When Grief Takes Over

Enjoying The Journey Podcast Episode 2

By: Holly Darby

Listen on Spotify

So here's the thing. I’ve been trying for the last two weeks to write about goals and my perspective on goals and all that. But I have to be honest, My mental health is struggling right now and bad. With this being my intrinsic themed episode, I am going to save goals for another time and just talk about what has been weighing so heavily on me. Grief. I am going to give a trigger warning now. this episode is a little heavy.

Grief is very confusing. It's also the reason I started the podcast in the first place so it kind of makes sense in my mind for me to be a little more open about mine. For those of you who don't know me or haven't been following my podcast, I lost my brother Kyle on May 2, 2020. He was in the military, specifically the army, and stationed out in Colorado. (My family is originally from Ohio.) Around 7pm I believe it was, on May 2nd, he was involved in a motorcycle accident. None else was injured to my knowledge. In fact, his bike apparently hardly had a scratch. But Ky just fell off his bike wrong and that was it. Around 2 or 3 in the morning following, I got the worst news of my life from my poor mom who was the first family member notified. I still have PTSD about that call. Sometimes right before I’m about to fall asleep I can hear my mom's voice in a way I didn't even know it could sound. Other times it wakes me up completely in a panic, sweating, heart racing, the whole nine yards. Every once in a while when her name comes up on my phone when she calls me, I just freeze. I can't breathe because I know what could lie on the other end of that call and I literally can't answer.

I am still so sad and angry and confused every moment of every day but I am learning to manage it. That is one think I will say I feel like I've been lied to about grief. People who tell you it will get better with time don't know what they’re talking about. It's been almost 3 years and I still feel the exact same feelings over the loss of my best friend and I feel those feelings with the same intensity as the day he died. The only thing that has changed is that I've gotten better at managing those feelings or even just hiding them and pretending they don't exist. But they do. They are so overwhelming and I still cry so much. I didn't know I could cry this much. It's weird too because things I used to love I can't stand now or people I used to need I can hardly bear to be around anymore. In particular sometimes, my family. Not my immediate family though because I think they understand a bit more and ate on a more similar journey. Its mostly my aunts and uncles and cousins, or the family I haven't seen much if at all since the funeral. Now when I do see them I feel like they just see right through me and they give me this face. It's not pity even, it's just like… helplessness? When it happens, I can't manage my emotions any more so I just go numb instead.

I think sometimes I’ve been so numb for so long that I forget who I am and what I love. Like, I just picked up my guitar for the first time in over a year a few days ago. And it felt so good… but feeling good makes me feel guilty, and my guilt turns to frustration and confusion which turns to anger and then I turn it off and set down my guitar again.

The reason I’m telling you all of this is to make this point about what I have come to learn about grief in a way I think you can only learn when you're living in it. I don't think grief is just the absence of a loved one but the presence of a love so deep you don't know how to carry it when that loved one is gone. There's nowhere for it to go any more. I only hurt the way I do because there was so much love between me and my brother. And even on the days where I am down or feeling lonely I will always have that. I will always have my little brother.

To anyone else grieving I need you to really pay attention right now and really take in what I'm about to share. Do not let your loss keep you from living. If you need to take a break and reset then do it but just keep living. I still answer the phone when my mom calls or I call her back when my panic passes. I know I can never let my panic or loneliness completely consume me to a place I can't come back from and you don't have to either. I don't need my brother to survive this life, I need to survive this life for my brother. People are here for you.

And there's this really awesome thing called therapy! And, I know that I am very privileged in that I can afford therapy. I know there are so many who can't afford it or are taught to avoid it. But if you need help you have to ask for it. And please, please, please if you or someone you know is struggling with thoughts of suicide call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255.

The reason this was so heavy on my heart for this episode is because March is mine and Kyle's birthday month. We are exactly 3 years, 11 months, and 2 weeks apart. I haven't said that in a while. His is March 6th and mine is March 20th. We always did birthdays together so mine has been really hard since I lost him. I kind of dread it now really when I used to LOVE my birthday. I’d take the whole month actually. But I know Ky would still want me to have a fun day so this year I am going to really try. Plus, who doesn't love presents? So I’m going to keep my chin up this year.

If you or someone you know is grieving I’d love to hear one of your favorite stories about the person you’ve lost. I think its such a beautiful way to honor them. If you listen to my podcast you'll get to hear my story about Kyle's Christmas swimming dino catastrophe.

To get more information about my podcast please visit my website at www.enjoyingthejourneypodcazt.biz and follow my social media which are linked in my podcast show notes. I do upload podcasts twice a month on the 1st and the 15th.

With this in mind, I hope you know you’re all great and I can't wait to continue Enjoying the Journey with you!